Notes from a recovering people pleaser

IT’S TIME TO START LIVING FOR YOURSELF. I vaguely recall my mom telling me when I was born the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. Even while perhaps choking, I’m sure I popped out of

the canal issuing an apology for making the birth more difficult. Yup, I’ve been a people pleaser practically since birth. At first glance, it may seem nice to be a pleaser of people. The

person who always says yes. The person everyone can count on. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with this easy to be around sidekick? It’s easy to win friends when you do everything in your

power to please. But as the old Dale Carnegie title suggests— it doesn’t go far in the arena of influencing. It’s more like, _How to Win Friends and Be Influenced By Them._ Herein lies the

problem with being a people pleaser — you become the mat for the throngs of friends popping through your door at any time of the day or night. Their problems get wiped on you as they enter,

and you are left to clean them up. PEOPLE PLEASING BEHAVIOR I’ve been reflecting quite a bit lately on my behavior as a pleaser of people, and where it has gotten me thus far in my life. The

conclusion has been a painful but welcome slap in the face — living my life to make others happy has held me back in ways that continue to march across my mind. And the result has been

something surprising to me — I’m angry. Anger is not a usual trait of a people pleaser — you can’t get mad at others and expect that to please them. Instead, the energy of a pleaser often

attracts folks who have a core of angriness and need an outlet for that energy. From romantic relationships, friendships, and business partnerships, as I reflect back I see a clear pattern

always ending in one of two ways: Try as I might I “fail” to live up to their expectations and they leave me, or I break from the constant manipulation and leave them. Either way, not a

great scenario I’d say. And this is where my recent anger comes in as I wonder, _why did I ever let myself be treated that way?_ My revelation comes from unexpectedly getting involved in a

romantic relationship with someone who DOESN’T EXPECT ME TO PLEASE HIM. And wow, has it flipped my life on its head, in the best possible way. Until I started to get pissed off. Pissed off

at the years of my life I have spent trying to help others get ahead while falling behind myself. Outraged by business partnerships where I put in years of footwork only for the other

partner to decide they’d like to once again go in a different direction. Fuming about all the time I spent trying to quell someone’s anger as they continued to abuse me with it. And then all

that anger came crashing down on me because you know what? UNFORTUNATELY, I AM THE ONLY COMMON DENOMINATOR. I excused their poor behavior because I could not see the flaws in my own. PEOPLE

TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU TREAT YOURSELF. In all of the above situations, I allowed myself to be treated poorly because of my fear of not being loved, all the while not loving myself enough to

realize it is not my job to make everyone else happy. In reality, there is no way to make another feel joy or love at their core — as the saying goes, that’s _an inside job._ So I’ve found

myself sitting in this pool of anger, ironically after getting into a healthy relationship. The pattern of behavior I kept thinking I was breaking when a relationship ended just led me to

the next similar circumstance, yet I couldn’t see it. Being with a healthy partner has opened my eyes in a way that is wonderful and also painful. And the pain, the anger, got me mired down

for a while. THE TRUTH IS, IT’S NOBODY’S “FAULT.” I can stay angry at the people who I feel treated me unfairly. I can stay angry at myself for allowing that type of treatment. Sure, I can

do both of these things, and you know where it will get me? Stuck in the past and not moving forward in the present. So I am writing to all the people pleasers out there, ready to clean up

the messes and keep the others happy and humming along. Please know, it is not your fault — the behavior was likely conditioned into you at a young age. But also know, it is not your job to

assure others’ happiness, and if you continue to try to do so your own happiness and well-being will be at stake. The ones who look to you to fix everything, the ones who are attracted to

your helping energy — those relationships will always be unbalanced. Become aware of the unbalanced relationships in your life. But don’t get stuck in a bout of anger like I did. Even if you

are physically no longer in the relationship, swimming in the anger keeps you energetically attached to it. Instead, be grateful for the awareness, and let any remaining anger fuel you to

do something for yourself. Perhaps something creative that the naysayers in your life discouraged you from because it didn’t fit with their agenda. It’s your time now — do something great

with it! _Don’t miss a thing — subscribe to receive my stories as soon as they’re published._