How to remove the Coal from your Soul

Top 10 reasons why the “Ba-humbug” in you may come out during the Holidays…and how to remove the coal from your soul.

1. The holidays can be an extremely busy and stressful time of the year.Between work, holiday events, gift buying, hosting, decorating, and travel plans, the holiday season is packed with

obligations, activities, and a range of emotions. To manage this stress in a positive way, try to consider the following:

A.     Ask yourself what you value in life. Family? Travel?  Traditions?  Relaxation?  The answer will help you manage the holidays by keeping you focused on what truly matters to you.

Equally as important, find ways to say “no” to things that do not fit with your values. Prioritizing your values and possible things you need to say “no” to in advance can help alleviate

distress when the actual situation arises amid the holiday hustle and bustle.

2. Finances and debt.We all know that the holiday season can be expensive. Traveling, holiday activities, and gift giving often leave our credit cards maxed and our stress high. Vendors are

very aware of this, yet still take full advantage by helping us spend more money than we have; after all, it’s not their money! To stay within your financial means, consider adopting a new

tradition of gift-giving, such as:

A.      Drawing names- some refer to this as “Secret Santa.”  The whole premise is that everyone within a group (family, friends, co-workers) draw a name of ONE person whom they buy for this

holiday season. Everyone gets a gift and everyone can save money. Another spin on this would be for a family to draw names for filling stockings. Everyone is responsible for filling just

one person’s stocking. It helps to put a financial cap on the gift/stocking!

B.      White Elephant- everyone brings a gift to a gathering and plays a fun and (slightly) competitive game. “Gag gifts” are encouraged and often make the experience much more fun.

Everyone not only gets a gift, but a good laugh and memories of bonding with friends and family.

3. Family dynamics and “hot topics” that almost certainly come up.Let’s be honest, every family has its drama. There will always be certain topics that can make tensions run high.

Particularly in the aftermath of recent elections and politics, there are bound to be strong opinions that make for less than pleasant interactions. Try these tips to improve the quality of

interactions in your home:

A.      Assess your limits, set your boundaries, and assert your needs: “I love/respect you too much to argue with you about this.”

B.      Take yourself out of the situation: Perhaps use that opportunity to go play video games with your younger cousin.

C.      Change the subject/divert others’ attention: “Who wants to play a game!?” -or- “How about those Detroit Lions?!”

4. The challenging task of deciding who to spend time with.The fact that there is no way to visit everyone is a hard truth we all face. Deciding who to spend the holidays with can be a

difficult decision. Many couples experience arguments around this (“We spent time with YOUR family last year!”) and many worry about hurting loved a ones’ feelings. Keep these things in mind

when struggling with this decision:

A.      There is no way we can please everyone. Remind yourself that you are only human and cannot be multiple places at the same time. Set loving but firm boundaries with family members who

have a difficult time accepting what you’re able to do (“As much as I would love to visit, flying home this year just isn’t in my budget”).

B.      Compromise is key in a loving relationship. Perhaps try taking turns with which family you spend the holidays with each year.

C.      Honor your own mental health. The holiday season is also YOUR break, although we often do not treat it as such. We find ourselves trying to squeeze everything into our break and

struggle with expectations to buy the perfect gifts, etc. Ask yourself if spending time with certain people with help or hurt your own mental health.

5. Not being to see loved ones at all.For various reasons (i.e., finances, work schedules), many people are unable to visit family over the holiday season. This can result in isolation,

loneliness, disappointment, and frustration. If you are in this tough situation, try:

A.      Spending time with co-workers or friends in the local area. Chances are, there are people spending the holidays in the local area who would love to have you join their celebrations.

There are likely other individuals who are unable to visit loved ones. 

B.      Use various media avenues to communicate with loved ones and be present for the holidays. WhatsApp, Skype, Facetime, Marco Polo, Google Meet, Zoom, and Facebook all provide ways you

can connect with when your family is opening gifts, eating dinner, or sitting around talking.

C.      Take advantage of the alone time to engage in activities you truly enjoy and value.  Maybe you can finally binge-watch a Netflix series, visit a local city, play hours of video

games, or learn a new hobby. Perhaps you can volunteer at a local soup kitchen and help make other’s holiday season a little easier or more enjoyable.

6. Parenting.The holiday season presents some challenges for parents. Whether it is deciding how much money you’re able to spend on gifts, what values you want to instill in your children,

the desire to make the holidays “magical” for them, or explaining why their friend got a large, expensive gift and they did not, parenting during the holidays is no easy task. Additionally,

while it is often wonderful that the kids are home from school for two weeks, the kids are HOME FROM SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS. How exhausting! For families where both parents are working, you

now have to figure out where the kids will go all day, which is an added stress. Parents, some “survival” strategies for you:

A.      Rely on each other- share ideas, struggles, and advice. Watch one another’s children so the other can go on a date night, spend time with friends, or go shopping for their children.

B.      Have conversations with your children about your family’s values. Remind them why the holiday season is important to your family. Explain the challenges often faced with materialism

and spending outside of your means. Teach them this important lesson.

C.      Decide in advance how many and what kind of gifts you feel comfortable buying for your children for the Holidays. Perhaps consider gifting them a family experience rather than buying

many material gifts. 

D.     Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel overwhelmed and exhausted that the kids are home ALL DAY. This does not make you a bad parent, it makes you a parent. Know

when you need a break, when you need a parents’ night out, when you need to reach out for support.

7. Not taking care of ourselves.With the busyness, stress, and celebrations, it is very easy to stray away from our routines and over-eat, over-drink, and under-sleep. Unfortunately, these

things then increase stress and negatively impact our mood. It is important that we make taking care of ourselves a priority over the holidays to avoid a potentially vicious cycle of stress!

Try these tips:

A.      Have a plan around your drinking. Know what your limits are, count drinks, have a designated driver, and anticipate how you will respond to the crazy relative saying, “Aw come on,

have another with us!”

B.      Moderation is key. Come on, the holidays (with Grandma’s scrumptious cooking) only come once a year. No one is going to tell you not to enjoy the food at all. Just know that those

1-2lbs gained over the holiday season per year can add up. After all, that is 5-10lbs five years from now! Perhaps decide to choose your calories. Eat healthy most days of the week so that

you can really enjoy that Christmas dinner.  Think about the “opportunity cost” of the calories you are consuming. For example, liquids (alcohol, sodas, punch) are empty calories. They

provide no nutritional value and are full of calories.

C.      Protect your sleep! Sleep is the backbone of good health. Poor sleep can increase weight gain, pain, stress, and susceptibility to illness while also decreasing our mood. Make it a

priority to keep a consistent sleep schedule.

D.     Keep active! Instead of sitting and watching TV with your loved ones, go for a walk around the neighborhood, walk around a holiday event, or sneak in some time at the gym. Remember,

exercise is the best treatment for stress and depression. You will also feel less guilty about that slice of pie if you walked off some of the calories!

8. Difficult reminders/memories over the holidays.The holidays can bring up a lot of pain for many individuals.  Whether there was a death in the family, a divorce/break up, or a traumatic

event, the holiday season can serve as a painful reminder of many situations. To make coping with these events a little easier, consider:

A.      Giving yourself some grace. Be kind to yourself. Remember that it is okay to struggle and for others to know you are struggling. Reach out to others for support. Let them pour into

you.

B.      If there was a death in the family, celebrate them this holiday season. Make space for them in your home. Perhaps it is through hanging decorations that remind you of them. Maybe it

is cooking their favorite dish or telling funny stories about them. Make this holiday season about celebrating their life and remembering how much they mean to you.

C.      For those who are experiencing traumatic memories, remember that you can “rewrite your script.” Memories are painful and we cannot go back in time and un-experience what we have been

through. However, more can exist than tensing your shoulders, enduring the pain, and waiting for the holidays to pass. Memories are reminders of what has happened. They are not our present

reality. We can attempt to meet the holidays with an open mind and have hope that they can become something positive. We can make new memories that will replace the painful ones.  We can

build new traditions to lay the foundation for new, joyful experiences.

9. Not celebrating the holidays.Perhaps you do not celebrate the holidays for various religious, cultural, or ideological reasons. As much of our society revolves around the holiday season

(every store looks like the North Pole!), this can leave many people feeling left out or ostracized. Please consider:

A.      Sharing your values, traditions, and beliefs with others. It is likely that they can learn a lot from you.

B.      Staying connected with others. When we feel left out, it is easy to further isolate ourselves by turning down plans, staying at home, and not talking to others about what is going

on. Resist this temptation! Spend time with others and continue to engage in activities you enjoy.

C.      Continue to evaluate what values, ideals, and beliefs are important to you and do things that are consistent with these.

10. Being single over the holidays.For many, the holidays can be a tough time to be single. For some, it is a reminder of something they desire and do not currently have. For those that are

happy to be single, there are often certain grandmothers (or insert another family member here) that ask, “when are you going to bring home a partner?” Some ideas to keep in mind when

struggling with these scenarios:

A.      Make it a priority to stay connected with others. Fight the urge to isolate from friends/family, which increases feelings of loneliness. Remind yourself that you are not alone, even

if it may feel that way. Make it a point to make plans with other single friends and talk about single woes together.

B.      If certain family members make it a point to assert their own opinions onto you, try setting loving but firm boundaries (“Mom, I really am happy being single right now.  Can we

please talk about something else?”) or simply “blow it off.” Try not to get worked up about one person’s opinion or off-hand comment. Don’t let the pressures imposed by others change what

you value. 

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