Professors explain why they are fleeing florida - the onion

Thanks to Gov. Ron DeSantis’ so-called ‘war on woke,’ Florida institutions of higher education have experienced an unprecedented brain drain. _The Onion_ asked professors why they are

fleeing the state, and this is what they said. CORY BATCHELDER, GENDER STUDIES “My dissertation topic is now illegal, so.” HENRY JOHNSON, HISTORY “It was easier to teach history when I was

allowed to acknowledge that it began before 1981.” CHARLES MENARD, ENGLISH “They’re making me teach a version of _Beowulf _where he says the Pledge of Allegiance halfway through.” JACOB

GRIGSBY, ASTRONOMY “You’d be surprised at how many planets Ron DeSantis has a problem with.” STACY D’ANGELO, EDUCATION “The county I live in recently banned what they called ‘the suspicious

practice of electricity,’ so I’m hoping there will be some colleges in nearby Georgia where I am allowed to light my home.” LISA JACOBSON, AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDIES “The only reading I’m

allowed to assign are Tiger Woods’ biography and a novelization of _Bad Boys II_.” CARL EBLING, AMERICAN HISTORY “A posse of moms walked me to the state line.” WESLEY RIVERO, ART HISTORY

“I’m actually fleeing for a variety of crimes unrelated to the teaching climate.” BONNIE COYNE, AFRICAN AMERICAN HISTORY “I have to teach that slavery was not only beneficial, but so

beneficial that white people are owed reparations.” HENRY STEVENSON, ECONOMICS “All tenured faculty are being replaced by an alligator in a tweed jacket with elbow patches.” RHONDA HARVEY,

STATISTICS “They kept forcing me to assign _Mein Kampf _to read as math homework.” BARRY FRANCIS, ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE “They got me! I’ve been faking this whole climate change thing all

along. Time to move onto a more gullible state.” CHRISSIE WRIGHT, MUSICOLOGY “Nothing to do with the politics. I thought I’d get a great tan here, but it turns out I just freckle and burn.”

PATRICIA HOWELLS, MOLECULAR BIOLOGY “I said ‘biodiversity’ in one of my lectures, and the assistant dean of students came into my classroom and punched me in the face.” STACY LEVINE, HISTORY

“I just don’t feel comfortable shooting students who act up.” NITHYA PISAL, EDUCATION “Students kept interrupting class to stand up and say, ‘I am a Christian.’” TERESA MORALES, PSYCHOLOGY

“My department head told me I would be subject to monthly ‘grooming audits,’ which doesn’t sound like a good use of my time.” PETER BARRETT, PSYCHOLOGY “They keep calling my subject ‘witch

science.’”