Yes, keir starmer uses more haircare product than a teenage girl, but that’s no reason not to be nice

Madeline Grant PARLIAMENTARY SKETCHWRITER 29 February 2024 6:29pm GMT Lucy Powell, the shadow Commons leader, decried “highly personalised and wrongheaded attacks by sections of the media”

towards Members of Parliament. These were fuelling “hatred, disdain” and “security threats” she added. That was us sketchwriters told, I suppose. It was unclear precisely what the radiant,

competent and not at all irritating-to-listen-to Ms Powell was actually referring to, especially as she pulled faces when her own party’s record was raised. It was telling that she chose to

make today’s debate – which preceded a weighty statement about MPs’ security – about the sort of language Labour feels comfortable policing, as opposed to facing up to that which it finds

more awkward. There is an objective difference between weekly calls for genocide in the streets of London and saying, for instance, that Sir Keir Starmer uses more haircare product than a

teenage girl, or that Rishi Sunak buys his clothes from Mothercare World. But no, Ms Powell’s implication was that this was all part of the same problem that could be solved if we were all

just a bit nicer to each other. Business Questions had once again become an opportunity for the Commons to air favourite grievances. Powell deplored the Tories’ “watering down” of the Online

Safety Bill, and called for Penny Mordaunt to condemn Lee Anderson’s block-footed remarks, even though he’d already had the whip withdrawn. Given last week’s events, this was not so much

dancing around the issue as a full Busby Berkeley-sized choreographed kick-line circling the great elephant in the room. Ms Mordaunt, stern and brisk, tried without much success to bring the

conversation away from nasty tweets and back towards the subversion of democracy. Speaking of old grievances, Labour were still banging on about Liz Truss’s attempt to break into the big

time in America, as if she were the Beatles, or, more accurately, Prince Harry. Andrew Gwynne MP asked for “a debate in government time on endangered species” – specifically, the

“Lesser-spotted One Nation Tory”, who, said Gwynne, was under threat thanks to Ms Truss’s stateside adventures. Perhaps Disraeli is indeed rolling in his grave due to Ms Truss’s appearance

at the CPAC conference. Or, more likely, perhaps our wittiest ever PM would be spinning at Mr Gwynne’s attempts at making a joke. Ms Mordaunt witheringly congratulated Mr Gwynne on the

“characteristically amusing” manner of his question – i.e. not amusing at all. Once again the weird “entente cordiale” between the SNP and the Conservative Party was in evidence. Normally Ms

Mordaunt and her SNP counterpart Deidre Brock spit feathers at each other, making little attempt to disguise their mutual contempt. But today Ms Brock began by complimenting the Commons

Leader for her intervention in support of minority parties following “Hoyle-gate”. The sight of these unexpected bedfellows put me in mind of that famous David Low cartoon sending up the

Molotov-Ribbentrop pact. You can almost picture Ms Mordaunt and Ms Brock bowing at each other: “The scum of the earth, I believe.” “The bloody assassin of the McWorkers, I presume.” Andrew

Bridgen, MP for people who talk to themselves at bus stops, rounded off the session in particularly nutty style, calling for a debate on the return of capital punishment for “crimes against

humanity”. Ms Mordaunt thanked him for his “incredibly subtle question” – i.e. not subtle at all.