As someone who also has mental illness — and am married to someone who has mental illness of such…

As someone who also has mental illness — and am married to someone who has mental illness of such severity as to be considered legally disabled — I would offer this thought: What you

describe sounds like Bipolar Disorder. It used to be called “Manic-Depressive” because those who have it have times of extreme high (manic) where they can do anything, be creative, not sleep

AND extreme low (depressive) where they want to die. Or at least disappear. If you have not been diagnosed with a particular mental illness, I would strongly suggest finding a psychologist

who can make this assessment. As I don’t know where you are (physically), I can only offer vague advice about that — depending on your income, you can find someone who will take cash; you

can find out whether you are eligible for government/public assistance; or perhaps some other route — the task is to find one! My husband is Bipolar, Type 1. He is also reasonably well

medicated to have some semblance of a normal life, but not enough to return to a job. This has meant the difference between being able to live on his own and being long-term

institutionalized. He and I both have what my healthcare provider calls “suicidal ideation”. We think about death and dying with some regularity. Fortunately for both of us, we love each

other to do that to them. I think the meds also help with that, making those thoughts more of a mental exercise than a serious plan. If you are doing (or have done) these things, it may be

time to reassess the medications — or find a new therapist. Please do whatever it takes, whatever you can possibly do, to take control of your mental health, to control your brain instead of

it controlling you. The Buddhists have a saying: “You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are not you. Thoughts change.” And Psychology changes — I took an introduction to Psychology

college course 30 years ago; I re-took it again recently and the changes were astounding. We are finally beginning to understand that the brain is just another organ in the body; it runs on

chemicals and electricity and it is not the “Me of me”. And it doesn’t always work right — which can be retrained (treated) by medications and therapy/ies that help you learn how to ignore

the stuff your brain will try to offer you as reality, as the truth, as “just how things are”. I myself use “Mindfulness/Awareness” therapy and strongly suggest that to anyone who is dealing

with mental illness — or a rough job, a bad situation, or even just a boring, “dead” life or feeling. Thank you for owning your words and sharing them with us. I hope you find a better way

to live because it sounds like the current mode is not good. Peace and blessings.