Hello World. Entry 1 | by The Man In Life | Medium

ENTRY 1 This is the start of my autobiography of how becoming a man alone is hard and filled with pain from the perspective of a 20 year old who has reaped none of the rewards from his

journey. Hello world, this is the story of me. I suppose I’m writing this because I no longer want to feel like I have not told anyone about my life and how my choices and mine alone almost

created a monster instead of a man. I will have a close friend edit these but only for grammar as these entries will be more of a mental rant involving my past and how it has tormented me to

this day. I suppose also that it’s a way to let the world know that behind good men there can be a dark and evil child. I don’t quite know how to start other then to talk about my current

endeavors in life. On a day such as today I wake up at around the time of 3:15am but do not get out of bed until 3:30 as I lay and try to still dream as the dream world has no consequences

as the real world unfortunately does, and consequences almost all too painful. It’s interesting how that logic works to me. I know that there is another 7 hours the next night to be free and

I suppose you could say happy; however, we want it right away so we daydream of a life that is better then our own until we can live it again the next night. Oh how I wish I could fall back

asleep and wish it to be true yet I cannot as I must go to work for my 11 hour shift at the factory from 4am to 3pm Monday to Friday and maybe 4am to 4pm on a Sunday if I have no plans, I

often have none. I don’t pack a lunch, I simply do not want to in the morning because if I wake my mother she will be upset. Later I will discuss why an upset overbearing mother is such a

terrifying beast to encounter at 3:30am when she is trying to sleep for her job she hates, in a town she despises, where she had no friends to indulge in her life, or what’s left. The drive

to work currently in the winter’s cold is not a fun time, but a time that is spent 8 minutes to and from work smoking a cigarette in order to please my disgusting habit. A habit I only took

up in resentment to my own mother. From 4-5:30 nobody is there other then a older gentleman that I believe does not like me too much and I have yet to fully comprehend why this is so, but

nevertheless I carry on until more workers show up. Then at 6:30 the 8 hour a day shift comes in, not needing overtime. This is when I can breath and put a smile on to make others feel like

someone sees them living their miserable life. Day goes on, making one part after the other. Mostly new parts every day or so and sometimes multiple parts at once because of long cycle

times. First break around 8 for 15 minutes, just enough time for another smoke and maybe a youtube video to think about for the next hour. Lunch at 11 maybe 12, depends on how hungry I am.

So another smoke and a drive to the gas station for a hot meal because I’m too lazy to make a lunch the night before and too scared to make one the morning of. And then back to work till

3pm. Nothing much happens during work but a lot does. An idle mind is a overworked one when the mind has too much to think about but nobody to resolve it with. It is a curse in a way of the

human nature, to day dream, to live a life you cannot but it’s close enough where you force yourself to suffer because you are too weak to change it and too incompetent to understand how to

change ones miserable life. Peace and quiet until my mother roles in around 5:15 from her work to torment me. But in that time I’m a rather productive adult. I set my life in order, pay my

bills, tend to my physical needs, and even try to learn new skills. But this all changes when the garage door opens, the engine turns off and you live the only way you know how, watch

useless videos on the web and hide cowardly in my room to not confront the beast in the other room as I’ve grown up to fear. Today she had a bad day at work and expects me to listen to her

for an hour as she expresses herself and if I don’t listen she gets mad and accuses me of not caring. Yet when I communicate my frustrations in my day and in my world, it doesn’t matter and

she is always too busy “unable to think after a long day at work”. This life of not being listened to and having to always listen turned me into a person that can observe when a happy man is

in fact going to kill himself the next day. There is no happiness in this world without pain present to allow happiness to mean something of value. And even so I suffer a great deal and am

happy and kind to all yet can not kill myself. It’s not that I am suffering, it’s that I don’t believe my suffering causes others to suffer and that in my opinion, when you believe your

suffering causes others to suffer, is when the mind enters a world of darkness that has no fuel to start a flame. I used to be in that darkness, but I didn’t wait for fuel, I created it

because I forced myself to see in the darkness. Seeing in darkness is still darkness, but it’s still better then not seeing in darkness. There you don’t even know you’re in darkness and

that’s a real tragedy. So here I am today, holding a torch in the darkness. I’m still here but to find my way out I created a tool, a torch. My torch is my guide, my way, my goals.

Achievable goals that aren’t too far in the future because I learn all to fast and all to hard that ridged goals only leads to self destruction when any minor inconvenience comes along. It’s

like having a lightbulb with too many open circuits to guide your way. One tear drop and it shorts out. But with a torch where one tear drop will make the torch sizzle almost like when a

love one dies or a breakup with a loved partner hurts shortly, the fire will rage on and will only wither for a second. This is why I use a torch now instead of a light bulb. Use a torch,

have options and don’t be rigid, it will only lead to suffering. And now I sleep. I use melatonin often to silence the voices of the active mind of a depressed man. The mistakes of the day

and the mistakes of the day 10 years ago comes up to torment you. Took me a long time but they don’t torment you because you feel bad, it’s to teach you. My brain is telling me “this sucked

a lot and hurt you, A LOT. Don’t do this again, please.” And it festers until you make a plan to not do it again and you don’t. So then I sleep and dream for another 7 hours in my happy

world that I don’t want to leave, to stay away from the darkness knowing full well I have a torch. Yet I don’t trust my torch fully, I haven’t found the light place, just a light to guide my

way. This light can burn out and I feel like it is slowly and when it does, I don’t know if I can make another. So I write this not knowing if I can start another but to also find truths in

myself to make a stronger torch to see further and find my way out of the darkness and become a fully fledged man forged from a hostile and cruel childhood that should only at best created

a useless adult child that can’t even put on his own underwear. Yet here I am, writing this and talking about my life in a way I can only do so in animosity so I can feel safe with what I’ve

done to others and myself as a useless child. For I have hurt more people as a child then one should humanly be able to; however, I don’t think that to be fully true and will explore this

idea soon. For I am a mere man, but nothing less then flesh and bones and nothing more then the product of the cruel world.