No sex please, we’re self isolating, says virginia blackburn

No idea what the French take on this one is but odds are President Macron is not telling his fellow countrymen and women what they can get up to in the still of the night. Could there be a

more uniquely British take on a terrifying pandemic than to reduce it all to the great national embarrassment of talking about sex? We British absolutely love going all bashful about

procreation, which is why we are constantly making jokes about it rather than becoming all smouldering and passionate like the more excitable Latin type. We are the country of the saucy

seaside postcard and, ironically enough, of the French farce. And even before this, we had managed to reduce intimate matters to the state of a laughing stock: it seems half the scientific

community in the country only takes time off from lecturing us about the importance of staying inside to be caught legging it across the capital in pursuit of a bit of how's your

father, trousers waving at half mast. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turned out that those same scientists had spent a sizeable proportion of their lockdown hiding in wardrobes,

quaking with fear as enraged spouses rampaged around the marital home, brandishing bullwhips and vowing retribution. Just remember to keep your distance! Perhaps we are as passionate as the

Latins, after all. Oh, and the gift this is going to give to the snoopers. Already hordes of them seem to be sitting behind twitching curtains, noting the exact amount of time that Number 36

had been taking for her daily exercise and she's no better than she ought to be and no mistake. Now, when someone purporting to be the gardener goes through the house because he has to

get to the garden and then signally fails to emerge on the other side brandishing a lawnmower, it will merit a call to the police. Quite what the police intend to do when made aware that a

bit of love in the afternoon may be in progress is debatable. Even if they did burst in to catch the couple in flagrante, they couldn't actually physically wrestle them apart, while

still maintaining social distancing themselves. No, there's nothing the British prefer to a good snigger and all the better if it relates to sex. And so finally the Government has given

what we really all need: something to cheer us all up. Should we be surprised? Our Prime Minister, after all, was once the editor of a magazine so renowned for its office entanglements that

it earned itself the nickname The Sextator. Carry On Boris and the rest of us as well! THANK THE LORD SHARON STONE HAS SPOKEN – THE RIOTS CAN STOP NOW Sharon Stone has taken to Twitter to

urge the United States not to fall into civil war: well, thank goodness for that. We needed someone with suitable gravitas to pull America back from the brink. Couldn’t Sharon, still quite

the looker at 62, recreate that famous chair scene from Basic Instinct? At least that might provide the rioters with a distraction – which would do a lot more to calm things down than yet

more vacuous grabs for attention from Planet Celeb.