What to say when a relative asks you for money

Q: Would it help to lecture about overspending? A: When you lecture, you're coming from judgment: “I know better. You don't.” It creates a fight. Immediately it's going to put

somebody on the defensive, and you're not going to get heard. So don't lecture. Don't be sarcastic. Drop the judgment, and then you can make a suggestion. Plus, most lectures

are coming from a place of shame. So if those on the receiving end already feel bad about themselves, lectures can drive them into a deeper level of depression or addiction, if that's

something already present. FOR WAYS TO SAVE AND MORE, GET AARP’S MONTHLY MONEY NEWSLETTER. Q: What money talks are older people avoiding? A: I have one set of clients, an older couple. They

can't afford all these things they used to, like buying gifts for grandkids. Yet they were doing it anyhow, running up $15,000 in debt. And I said, “You have to share this with your

children.” This is very hard, because there's a lot of shame, especially among older men, about having their kids pick up the tab. You have to have the courage to say to your children,

“Hey, here's what we can do. We can babysit the kids, but we can't financially go at the levels we used to go.” Acts of service are a wonderful love language that people respond

well to. Q: How do I ask my kids for financial help? A: Make it an update, not a crisis: “Here are the facts. Here's where we are.” Don't put a demand on the children. It's

more like, “We have a shortfall of $1,500 a month. And we are wondering if you could help us meet that or some of it. You don't have to tell us today.” The important thing is to take

out as much emotion as you can. That's not easy; I get that. Just be aware of how emotionally charged the situation is. _Tammy Lally became a money coach after 17 years in the financial

industry. Based in Washington, D.C., she is the author of _Money Detox_; her TEDx talk about money shame has had more than 2 million views._