How to stop conflict with your partner before it starts

When visualizing a long-term partner, we talk about “meeting our match.” But the phrase takes on a whole different meaning when you’re having an argument. And arguments are part of any

romantic partnerships, says Harville Hendrix, 88, who holds a doctorate in psychology and religion and is the coauthor of the book _Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples_. It’s just

human nature to think we’re right and the other person is wrong, he says. It’s what happens next that can be detrimental to a relationship, says Hendrix, because then “we feel we have to

correct them or polarize them or get rid of them.” And we don’t necessarily learn how to handle disagreements better with age. Thirty-six percent of adults getting divorced in the U.S. are

50 and older — and the only age group with an increasing divorce rate is adults 65 and older, according to the Gerontological Society of America. So how do two people who inevitably already

have their own ideas about what is right learn to peacefully coexist without giving up their identity and perspective – and their partnership? MAKE CLEAR COMMUNICATION A TOP PRIORITY A tenet

of Hendrix’s and his wife and coauthor, Helen LaKelly Hunt’s therapy strategy is mirroring when your partner says something. Repeat what you heard in your own words, and then ask your

partner, “Did I get that?” Continue mirroring until the answer is “Yes.” From there, feel free to move to a place of curiosity and ask, “Is there more you’d like to say?” Usually, the

therapists say, there is, says Hendrix. Next, validate and empathize, says Hendrix. Validation doesn’t mean you agree; it means you are telling your partner that you understand why they

think or feel the way they do. Empathizing, trying to put yourself in their shoes, can be as simple as saying, “I imagine that must make you feel sad.” Conversations like this help turn

anger into curiosity. Once you’ve gotten past the anger and potential conflict, “Then you can move on to collaboration,” says Hendrix. KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS Triggers often are unhealed wounds

from childhood — we’re not seen, or heard, or treated with enough respect, for example — so bringing a sense of wonder about them can go a long way, says Linda Bloom, a 77-year-old

psychotherapist and marriage counselor based in Santa Cruz, California. ​ That can be challenging, given that triggers can elicit very strong emotional and behavioral reactions. “The

therapist community has a saying,” notes Bloom, “ ‘If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.’ ” Bloom and her psychotherapist husband, Charlie Bloom, recently released their fifth book on

relationships, _An End to Arguing: 101 Valuable Lessons for All Relationships_. Charlie, 77, identifies as a “freedom fighter” because he appreciates alone time. Linda identifies as a

“connector” because she values spending lots of time together.