How couples can avoid annoying each other in retirement

COMMON RETIREMENT CONFLICTS​ Feuerman says even the most loving couples can run into some of these conflict triggers:​ DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN TIME TOGETHER VERSUS ALONE TIME: Respect a new

need for your partner to have time alone or to spend time with other people. “There’s no need to personalize this or feel insecure,” Feuerman says. “And if you need a bit of reassurance,

just ask for it.”​ ​​BALANCING ACTIVITIES WITH THE NEED FOR NOVELTY: Aligning priorities, goals and activities can cause friction. For example, one partner’s physical limitations might

clash with the other’s vision for travel or exercise.​ ​DIVISION OF LABOR: Partners should strive for equity in chores. Resentment is likely to build if one person feels like they are

doing more than their fair share. ​​ ​NAVIGATING SPACE: Be prepared for new levels of stress that result from being in close quarters more often, especially in smaller living spaces.​

​COPING WITH BOREDOM: As partners work out new schedules, Feuerman urges them to avoid bad habits such as unhealthy eating or drinking and excessive screen time.​ ​​​​“Not dealing with

these triggers early and in a healthy way can cause distress and disconnection between couples,” Feuerman notes. “You can start a conversation in a soft, non-accusatory way, beginning with

‘we’ instead of ‘you.’ Reduce defensiveness as much as possible.” ​Kienle and Yaffe eventually took this approach and faced their challenges as a team. A big breakthrough was sitting

together regularly to plan their activities on a joint calendar. Yaffe balked at first, saying he “wanted freedom.” Kienle responded by saying he had the freedom to control his activities on

the calendar. The calendar also appealed to their mutual need for structure. ​ ​As they planned around themes of health, contributing to community and creativity, Yaffe became more

open-minded about trying new activities with his wife and on his own. They took classes in fabric art, glassblowing and guitar. “I tried a lot of things even though I thought I might not

like them,” he says. “If you don’t love it, be honest and move on.” ​ ​FIND YOUR OWN SPACE Sandra and Bret Kofford spent most of the pandemic working from their home in Imperial County,

California, one of the areas hardest hit by the pandemic. They learned that they really get along — but they also really need personal space and privacy. ​ When they retired to a

single-level home in Tucson, Arizona, last year, they each got their own room: Sandra for reading and Bret for writing movie and television scripts. ​ After 31 years working as a teacher and

education administrator, Sandra loves her reading room. “I have a lot of books I’ve never read because I didn’t have time,” she says. Bret, 64, is a retired lecturer at San Diego State

University-Imperial Valley who uses his room and new-found time to focus on his passion for writing screenplays. ​ “The pandemic prepped us for this life,” he says. “She knows that when I’m

in the middle of writing, I’m in that world and don’t fully respond to anything else.” ​