How to Handle Criticism While Caregiving

Istock Facebook Twitter LinkedIn

"You know she's depressed. Take her to a bereavement support group," one of my 84-year-old mother's longtime friends recently advised me about her.

"Try to stay out of her life as much as possible," another counseled, a few months earlier.

"She should be in an assisted living facility," a third insisted before that.

I hadn't asked any of them for advice, only occasional support and company for my mother. But their notion of being helpful was to tell me how I should be a better son and caregiver and

change what I was doing.

In each instance I responded as courteously as I could, though I probably showed less enthusiasm for their ideas than they might have desired. Inside, though, I chafed. The suggestions were

not wrongheaded in and of themselves, even though they were at cross-purposes with one another. I also knew that these friends were offering advice because they genuinely care about my

mother and me. But — call me sensitive — it felt like they were finding fault with my years of concerted caregiving. That didn't help; it made me feel criticized and hurt.

I've talked with many caregivers who have similar experiences. They are peppered with ideas from friends who implore them to seek different doctors and treatments, set different limits with

care recipients, and secure different amounts of time (sometimes more, sometimes less) for self-care.

Extended family members not directly involved in the day-to-day caregiving work are notorious for being free with such unsolicited advice. It is as if by dint of their own blood

relationships with the care recipient and perhaps guilt that they aren't providing more hands-on help, they feel they have the right and responsibility to direct operations from afar. The

primary caregiver is left in the position of having to graciously accept the facile and occasionally impractical suggestions or stand accused of trying to be a hero and rejecting others'

assistance.

It's clear that most caregivers need the support and concern of friends and family members. But if they become offended, then they may cut themselves off from that potential assistance. Here

are ways to handle unsolicited advice and remain connected to the well-meaning sources of it.