This is what depression feels like

JOHN MOE, 53, ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA “IT TOOK THE FORM OF A CONTAINED RAGE.” Writer and radio journalist John Moe was in his 30s when he finally understood that he’d been depressed since

childhood, he says. “I thought that depression was just crying a lot and laying in bed. I’ve always been able to get out of bed.”   AMERICAN PUBLIC MEDIA/MACMILLAN Instead, he felt “a sort

of built-in kind of hopelessness that I just took to be reality.” Moe would respond to that fear with jokes or, often, anger. That response continued into adulthood: “It took the form of a

contained rage, like road rage. And I never would get out of a car or even honk much. But it was just this madness that would overtake me.” See more Insurance offers > As the pressures of

marriage, parenthood and career built up, his depression (and anger) grew worse. He started to withdraw from friends and other close relationships. “My friend would call me up and say,

‘Hey, do you want to go out for beers and watch the game?’ And I would say no because I thought, _Well, I’m not going to be a good friend to him. … I’m gonna let him down._”    Moe’s wife

finally pushed him to get help, and the psychiatrist diagnosed him with textbook depression. And with diagnosis came relief, he says. “It wasn’t a character flaw. It wasn’t a weakness. I’m

like, _Oh, I have an illness. This is something I have, not something I am._” He’s since been on various antidepressants, many of which have worked for a time — his psychiatrist tweaks his

prescription periodically — and he sees a therapist regularly. But what’s helped the most? Talking about it and helping others. Moe has dedicated his career to trying to dispel damaging

misconceptions about depression and take away the shame behind it — shame that he believes contributed to his brother’s 2007 suicide. “He felt like [the depression] was his fault. … So I

thought, _If more people were talking about this as a normal thing, then he might have talked about it more and gotten help_. … If we don’t talk about it, people die.” In 2016 he started a

popular podcast, _The Hilarious World of Depression,_ in which he interviewed comedians including Patton Oswalt and Mike Birbiglia about their depression; he wrote a 2020 book of the same

name about his experiences (read our excerpt). His current podcast, similar to _The Hilarious World,_ is called _Depresh Mode With John Moe._ Its tag line? “No shame, no stigma, and more

laughs than you might expect from a mental health podcast.” HOW HE COPES: Besides talking about the realities of depression as much as possible, Moe says, “I try to move my body. I just got

in from a four-mile walk with the dogs, which I try to do five times a week or so. A lot of my job involves listening to audio, listening to interviews. And so I just put my headphones on

and take a long walk with the dogs, and I get work done as I’m walking.”   MARIA OLSEN, 58, FAIRHAVEN, MARYLAND “IT FELT LIKE MY BEING, MY SOUL AND MY CONSCIOUSNESS WERE FLOATING OVERHEAD,

WATCHING ME GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS.” Courtesy Maria Olsen When you think of the cautionary phrase “Depression doesn’t discriminate,” Maria Olsen comes to mind. Successful and whip-smart,

with two loving children, she may be the last person you’d expect to struggle with the disorder. But Olsen, a civil litigation attorney, has dealt with depression at various points in her

life. She experienced her first major depressive episode in her 20s, following a “soul-crushing” miscarriage. Eventually, her depression lifted, thanks to a combination of talk therapy and a

new lease on life. In 1992, Olsen was appointed to serve in the U.S. Justice Department during the Clinton administration, becoming the highest-ranking Asian American political appointee.

    Years later, a stunning revelation from her father sent her spiraling into her deepest depression. “Suddenly, I became silent and barely talked for a year — and I’m a loquacious

extravert,” Olsen says. “My son would cry and say, ‘Mommy, please talk!’ I just couldn’t get the words out.” There were days when her husband would go to work and her kids to school, and she

would sit and stare off into the distance until it was time to pick them up. “My body was there,” she recalls, “but it felt like my being, my soul and my consciousness were floating

overhead, watching me go through the motions. I was a ghost of myself.”  As her kids entered their teenage years “and started pushing me away,” Olsen felt a new sense of gloom descending and

began to lean on alcohol for relief. By 2012, at age 49, she was drinking two bottles of wine a day. “My husband starting finding the bottles and said, ‘If you don’t go to AA, I’m going to

have to ask you to leave.’ ” She began attending meetings and spent time in rehab. She also worked hard to alleviate her depression, using a mix of talk therapy, yoga, meditation and

journaling. She worked with a dialectical behavior therapist (DBT is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that teaches patients to manage their emotions, tolerate distress and improve

relationships) and tried various 12-step programs. The medication part of the equation was a challenge. It took months of trying several drugs before Olsen found one that worked: Zoloft. She

improved and went off medication for two years, but earlier this year, struggling with her partner’s cancer diagnosis, she resumed taking Zoloft and returned to talk therapy. HOW SHE COPES:

 She’s incorporated meditation into her daily life. “Because I’m a busy litigator, that doesn’t mean taking an hour out of my day, sitting in lotus position, chanting or being silent,” Olsen

explains. “For me, it means taking deep, cleansing breaths to re-center myself throughout the day. I use traffic lights as a prompt for a deep, cleansing breath. I frequently do a 15-second

meditation, breathing in to the count of four, holding it for a count of four, breathe out to a count of four. It forces me to come fully present. I cannot simultaneously be focusing on my

breath and worrying about the future or fretting about the past.”