How caregiving can liberate caregivers from past trauma

Past trauma most commonly complicates caregiving when caregivers previously experienced verbal, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of those they are caring for now. Those caregivers

typically feel trapped doing what is expected of them while being used once again by the people who hurt them earlier in their lives. But being traumatized by anyone at any point in life can

leave adult children with feelings of helplessness, a lack of emotional safety, and the sense they are being mistreated, which are heightened by the demands, necessary self-sacrifices and,

often, thanklessness of caregiving. Mental health professionals would say that becoming a caregiver triggers their past emotions and fears. How can family caregivers with trauma histories

separate past and present experiences and make caregiving more bearable — even therapeutic? Here are some ideas: REMEMBER YOUR PAST … Sometimes caregivers with trauma histories try to power

through caregiving by pushing away their memories of having been mistreated by others. They then harshly reprimand themselves when old feelings of helplessness and resentment arise during

caregiving anyway. Instead, it would be better for them to understand how past trauma has sensitized them to feeling taken advantage of. Armed with that understanding, they can better

monitor their feelings and judge whether they are overreacting to the stressors of caregiving. … BUT DON’T BE CAPTIVE TO IT Traumatic experience often changes self-identity for years

afterward, sapping confidence and increasing a sense of personal vulnerability. Consequently, traumatized caregivers easily fall back into feeling like a victim, especially when their care

receivers are miserable and unappreciative. But though they were helpless and victimized in the past, their caregiving situations are not an echo of their traumatic experiences. For one

thing, these caregivers are older, wiser and generally more capable of standing up for themselves than when they were previously mistreated. It is important for them to realize they are no

longer victims, trapped in the past. They are seasoned battlers who were tested and survived adversity before. They will meet the challenges of family caregiving and difficult care receivers

too. REWRITE YOUR STORY The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are often inaccurate and frequently undersell our capabilities. With each new challenge we face in life, we have

another chance to write new narratives about who we are and what we can achieve. Caregivers with trauma histories should regard caregiving as an opportunity to face such a test with

competence and integrity and, in the process, change how they view themselves from helpless to helpful and from vulnerable to hardy. The hope is that, when caregiving is finally over, they

have gained new appreciation for their resilience in all spheres of their lives. That is the lesson of the 2007 movie, _The Savages_, in which the great actors Philip Seymour Hoffman and

Laura Linney play siblings caring for a father with dementia who had abandoned them earlier in their lives. Before they became his caregivers, they were troubled underachievers in their

personal and professional lives. After caregiving, they are no longer limited by past neglect and trauma but have a new sense of their effectiveness in the world. That’s the hope, too, for

the 56-year-old daughter who is overwhelmed caring for her mother with dementia. Caregiving is difficult enough; she doesn’t need to experience it through the lens of her past trauma and

feel trapped and helpless. She can hang tough, make a positive difference in her mother’s care, and emerge feeling good about herself and her future.