25 ways to deepen friendships and connections

9. EXTINGUISH ENVY When writer and essayist Christie Tate was finishing her book on romantic relationships, _Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life_, she began

thinking about her next one and decided that _B.F.F.: A Memoir of Friendship Lost and Found_ should be about her friendships with women, which she'd always struggled with. “I knew my

female relationships were just as rich and vital — and messy,” says Tate, who soon thereafter discovered the root of her failed and floundering female friendships: envy and jealousy. “I

couldn’t bring my full self to my friendships because I was so on guard and so defensive,” she says. Once she realized this, she confessed to her friends, who were able to lift the curtain

on their lives in ways that corrected Tate’s assumptions about them. What’s more, she was able to recognize her toxic behaviors. “I learned how to call myself out and tell people, ‘I realize

that I’m jealous of your other relationships, and that it’s getting in the way. I’m working on it,’” Tate says. “That removed my tiny little habit of blaming other people. Because it’s not

other people’s job to make me feel safe or secure. It’s my job.” 10. REMEMBER THEIR BIRTHDAY (AND MORE) Across time and distance, birthday wishes are an easy way to show you care. “I have an

old friend who sends me a birthday text every single year. Even if we haven’t spoken all year, he still remembers my birthday and sends me so much love on that day. Plus, it becomes a great

way for us to reconnect and catch up, even when life gets in the way,” says Lane Moore, author of _You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult_ and host of

the_ I Thought It Was Just Me_ podcast. To really strengthen your friendships, also make note of other important dates, suggests Goldfarb, who marks on her calendar the anniversaries of

important losses in friends’ lives — the loss of a parent, for example, or a pet. “It costs you nothing to send someone a text message saying, ‘I know today’s a tough day for you. I’m

thinking of you.’ It shows that you’re paying attention,” she says. Illustration by Sam Island 11. OFFER TO HELP The best friends typically have servant hearts, according to Goldfarb, who

says it’s important to help your friends achieve their goals. If a friend is trying to be healthier, for example, you might offer to be their exercise buddy. Or if a friend is taking a trip

to France, you could offer to help them study their French. “The best strategy for making and keeping friendships is to help your friends with their goals. That’s the key, because people

will keep you close if you’re supporting them,” explains Goldfarb, who regularly asks, “How can I help you?” “Friends love to hear that, because that’s what we want our friends to do — we

want friends who will be our teammates.” 12. ACCEPT HELP Receiving help is just as important in friendships as giving it, according to Steinman, who says asking for help shows your friends

that you trust them and gives them an opportunity to show up for you. “Asking for help is not weak. It’s actually very brave,” Steinman says. “It shows that you need that person, which

creates a deeper connection and can actually boost your friend’s confidence. Because we all want to feel needed.” 13. GIVE THEM SPACE Good friends should challenge each other, but they also

should respect each other’s boundaries. And sometimes, that means giving people space. “I learned this recently,” says Winter, who recalls a friend who felt like their relationship was

unbalanced. “She was not feeling good about herself, and my strength was not providing her comfort. Instead, it was making her agitated because she didn’t want to always feel like the weak

one. So, she took some space from me.” Although it’s OK to give friends space, don’t let them drift too far. “Stay close. Let the friend know, ‘I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk,’”

Winter says. In other words, leave the door open, but let them linger on the other side of it for as long as they need to. 14. GO ON A FRIEND DATE Dates can be just as special for friends as

they are for lovers. Winter recommends planning a formal friend date that includes special activities you know your friend will love — like a day at the spa, a reservation at their favorite

restaurant or tickets to a show they’ve been dying to see. “You would do that with someone you wanted to show more interest in romantically. Why not do it with someone you want to show more

interest in platonically?” Winter asks. 15. WRITE A LETTER When Sheila Liming, associate professor at Champlain College in Burlington, Vermont, and author of _Hanging Out: The Radical Power

of Killing Time_, thinks of strong friendships, she thinks of Finnish artist Tove Jansson and her longtime friend Eva Konikoff. When Finland was invaded by the Soviet Union in 1941,

Konikoff was forced to emigrate to the United States. For years thereafter, as chronicled in the book _Letters from Tove_, her friendship with Jansson continued — albeit in writing. “They

had this long-standing friendship that took place only over letters for a decade,” says Liming. “To me, it’s just a really great example of the way that correspondence can be sustaining for

relationships.” While letters might seem passé, that’s exactly what makes them special, according to Liming, who recommends following Jansson’s example by writing a letter: “When you get a

letter from someone — something that’s handwritten and delivered in the mail — it catches your attention in the way an email or text message doesn’t.” Illustration by Sam Island 16.

CELEBRATE YOUR “FRIENDVERSARY” Along with date nights, another ritual friends should borrow from romantic couples is the anniversary, suggests Hurley, who recently celebrated a 10-year

friendversary. “Every year, my friend and I celebrate the day that we met,” Hurley says. “This year, we found all these pictures of our friendship and did a little friendship slideshow. We

also wrote letters to each other thanking one another for the friendship. And then we shared gifts and went and did something really fun — we took a trip to Santa Monica. It was so nice to

be together having that uninterrupted time to build connection and make memories, just like you would for a real anniversary with your spouse. Shared experiences like that are so powerful.”

17. GIVE THE GIFT OF TIME AND ATTENTION When she was pregnant in 2023, Nia Liu of Fairview, Utah, went viral on TikTok for a video she posted about her “nesting party.” “My best friend

wanted to throw me a baby shower, but I don’t like baby showers,” says Liu, who suggested that her friends help her with her pre-baby to-do list — things like decluttering the kitchen and

organizing the nursery. “She invited the list of people I wanted there, and they thought it was a great idea. They came with dinner and treats — they all brought a couple of freezer meals —

and we just partied and cleaned. It was awesome. It was so much better than getting gifts. It was their time and their attention and their willingness to help me prepare for this baby. It

felt like so much love was given to me.” The same idea could be equally touching for a friend who’s moving, a friend who’s ill or grieving, or a friend who is just feeling overwhelmed by

life.